Breath & Shadow
Fall 2022 - Vol. 19, Issue 4
"Heart Pounds Me Away"
written by
L.J. Knight
Footsteps—behind me
The click of locks that—pierce
Something thumps against the counter and I—jump
Bottles shake and their contents clatter and—stab
Chills on my neck
Hairs standing up on end
Laughter but it sounds like
screams
I
can’t
move
And there’s no net to catch me when I
fall
when
Heart pounds
Chest tight
Breaths short
Hands shake
Shoulders tense
Legs crossed
Arms close
Head down
Jaw clenched
And whispers in my head
A desperate attempt
To get back what I lost
breathe—breathe—breathe—
Can’t
Breathe
Getting worse—and worse—and worse—and
Someone approaches
Someone says a word
And I am snapped
out
of
this
Breath evens
Chest loosens
Hands settle
Teeth unclench
But only
for a moment
Only
for a second
Only
for a breath
And then I am falling
all over
again
As my heart
pounds me away
L. J. Knight, just one of many names we go by, is a writer and poet of the vivid dark and painful. Growing up with selective mutism, depression, and PTSD, she’s no stranger to suffering or hardship, using poetry to cope and express the feelings she’s had to stuff deep inside. A lover a plants and animals, L.J. is studying wildlife science while working on finishing her first fantasy-mystery novel and a poetry book about her experiences with mental illness. She devours books like candy and knits until her fingers hurt and tries to learn seven different hobbies at once. She also lives with dissociative identity disorder and her 60+ alternate identities help her manage her past, her disabilities, and aid her as she wars for dreams that seem far out of her reach.